Amy Tries Again

Advice For My Esteemed Mother
January 28, 2012, 1:10 PM
Filed under: Miscellanea

Dearest Mother: there are some things you should know.  For your benefit, I have compiled this list. Perhaps you could print it out and pop it on your corkboard with the forwards that have particularly resonated with you.

1.When you telephone me, you do not have to start each and every conversation with ‘HELLO AMY, IT’S YOUR MOTHER HERE.’  There are several reasons for this.  Firstly, when you ring me, YOUR NAME APPEARS ON THE SCREEN.  Should I have developed temporary dyslexia, well, it still wouldn’t be a problem.  There’s a picture of you.  Secondly: in this, the twenty-ninth year of our acquaintance, I like to think that I can, on at least some occasions, recognise your voice.  I understand that you wish to help, and I do appreciate your efforts.  You have clearly chosen your words carefully.  After all, you do not announce that it is SOMEONE’S MOTHER.  That would just be confusing, as mothers are rife.  You do not announce yourself as YOUR FAMILY MEMBER OF SOME DESCRIPTION.  This, too, prevents confusion on my part, and I thank you for it.  You have made things very clear.  However, quite frankly, your compulsive self-announcement indicates to me that perhaps the lady protesteth too much.  Am I adopted?

2.  Should you choose to visit me – well, thank you.  It’s nice to see you.   I admire your innate ability to turn up unannounced.  I often rise at respectable hours and do productive, wholesome things, but somehow you only seem to surprise me on the Saturdays where I’m having a little sleep in and haven’t done any washing up.  This I can live with.  You can’t disown your (clearly adopted) child at this late stage.  However, if you’ve taken it into your head that we’re to have a jolly outing, notified me ahead of time, and turned up tooting merrily from your car at the appointed hour – well, dearest Mummy, I CAN hear the horn, and I AM in the process of getting ready.  You don’t need to start holding down the doorbell for 15 seconds at a time, or – worse – YOOHOO, AMY, IT’S YOUR MOTHER HERE-ing whilst tapping at the windows.

3.  I understand, however, that for the last few years you have lived in a world where car horns are but a gentle buzz, and doorbells a subtle whisper.  What you must realise, old girl, is that not everybody has a discrete little hearing aid THAT THEY DON’T TURN ON.  I know full well what has happened when I ask a question or make a witty remark, and you make some sort of non-committal neutral noise and quickly change the subject. You’re not fooling anyone.

I do think there is some hope for you, particularly in relation to point one.  You are an avid emailer, and understand that because your name will appear on the email you don’t need to open with HELLO AMY IT’S YOUR MOTHER HERE, but merely: ‘AMY: HERE IS A LIST OF DOT POINTS OF AREAS IN WHICH I THINK YOU COULD IMPROVE YOUR LIFE AND ALSO A FORWARD OF AMAZING PICTURES’.  This means there is hope for you on the phone front.  That said, I look forward, in 30 years, to receiving an incoming life-sized hologram from a little old lady who clearly states her name, address and artificial hip number in the hope that I will eventually be able to recognise who she is.


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