Amy Tries Again


An Open Letter To Julie Andrews
September 25, 2012, 5:59 PM
Filed under: Miscellanea

Dear Julie Andrews

Hi.  How are you?  I am fine.  Enough pleasantries.  I have a bone to pick with you.

For many years now, Julie Andrews, I have had a wish.  I have wished it upon a star.  I have wished it upon those fluffy spore plant things who – many thousands of years ago – lucked onto superstition as an excellent way to expand their empire.  I have even wished it upon the ever-elusive doubled-over potato chip.  The wish has not come true.

I have wished, Julie Andrews, that you would come to my flat and be my nanny.  I don’t care which nanny you’d like to be.  Either would have its perks.  Fraulein Maria would be a bit more fun, I think, but Mary Poppins would Get Shit Done.  Occasionally you could be a non-nanny, if you wanted.  I’d recommend that you stick to your other typecast role, Queen of a fictitious country, on those occasions.  However, I digress.

Julie Andrews, I think I need a nanny, and you’re the only person who could do it.  I trust you and your soothing tones.  You could sleep in the little built-in cupboard thing in my flat.  It’s pretty small, but depending on which nanny you’re being at the time, you’d have either magic or God on your side.  I imagine either could render it comfortable.

We would have a wonderful time.  You’d tell me the mess just wouldn’t do, but that cleaning up wasn’t anything to fear!  There’d be a cool stop-motion sequence in which we cleaned up all the empty cans of sugarfree Red Bull and torn stocking footlets with holes in them.  You’d talk me through my fear of the tiny hairs that stick to your skin after haircuts.  You’d probably cut my hair yourself.  I don’t know how you’d do it, but there wouldn’t be any tiny hairs.  We’d wash every single textile in the whole place, and then you’d get out your guitar and teach me some songs.  They’d be lovely songs, like ‘Big Girls of 29 Can Easily Tackle Visa Applications’, ‘Finish Your Degree (Yodelayeehoo!)’, ‘Another Beer Is Always Nice, But Perhaps Another Option Would Be To Just Go Home’ and ‘Stop Calling Your Mother To Get Her To Drive You Places, Darling’.  I would display natural aptitude.

We could go for a walk to the nearby botanic gardens.  There would not be any edelweiss, but we could look.  You’d suggest we climb trees, or levitate, or dance with animated critters.  I would not even notice I was exercising.  You could come to my impro shows, and because you were there, I would not swear at all or make any jokes about nipples.

Eventually, it’d be dinner time.  You’d fix my oven so that we could actually correctly set the temperature, and make a delightful game of going through my fridge and freezer discarding anything that was no longer fresh.  You would not let me wear my VEGETARIANS HAVE MORE FUN tshirt whilst eating steak, because it is not as funny as I think it is.  We would eat fruit for dessert and I wouldn’t even complain.

I’d have to go to bed early, probably, but if you were there I would own flannel pajamas instead of stained tshirts and I wouldn’t have bought a mattress topper that tends to sort of slide off the bed unless you constantly tuck it in.  You could tell me the story of The Lady Who Didn’t Have A Second Chest Of Drawers Full Of Clothes That No Longer Fit Just In Case She Woke Up Thin, and I would find it wise.  Then I’d get a solid eight hours whilst you went off to remove all those extra home shopping channels I can’t seem to delete from my set top box.

Oh, Julie Andrews.  You’d smell like talcum powder and apple strudel and boot polish.  Please hurry.  I am beginning to suspect I might be almost – ALMOST – too old to be nannied.

Desperately,

Amy

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3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Your steak eating shirt is genius. GENIUS.

Comment by aarondoyle

I love Julie Andrews. I remember hearing her say “pubic hair” in an interview once, when I was maybe 10, and I had to get up and leave the room to try to reset my brain.

Comment by Kate

[…] very fond of The Sound of Music (that and Julie Andrews in general), and a few months ago a work colleague was kind enough to give me an enormous block mounted print […]

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