Filed under: Miscellanea
Haggis-flavoured crisps
If you do not have access to haggis-flavoured chips (NO fingers that was BAD we must type CRISPS now), you can approximate this taste sensation by finding the most luridly artificial chicken-flavoured crisps you can and emptying a pepper grinder over them. You’ll have to figure out a way to remove any kick from the pepper (if you figure out how, patent that shit post haste) because that’s not really in it, but once that’s done you should have a general idea. They taste a bit like haggis, I guess, but then again I’ve only actually eaten haggis in frozen dinner form. 3/5.
Scottish Macaroon
I specify Scottish, as I am not talking about lovely little chewy biscuits in lolly shop colours. I am talking about more icing sugar than should exist in the world combined with leftover mashed potato and formed into potent slabs covered with bits of burnt coconut. This is absolutely, disgustingly sweet. You can feel your blood sugar surging. Then you feel sick. It’s actually surprisingly good. 4/5.
Bacon Butty
This is a bread roll with bacon on it. I’m not sure how it was possible that I’d never had one before, but I hadn’t. I’ve had bacon with other things on bread rolls (I’m not a monster), but not solo. I needn’t have bothered. It was boring. It’s bacon on a bread roll. Throw some egg and cheese on there, and I’d be down. A bit of lettuce and tomato? Perfect. Just bacon? I realise it’s only breakfast time, but I think I’m going to fall asleep. 2/5.
Tablet
Another Scottish sweet. It’s basically very sweet fudge. With extra sugar. And a bit more extra sugar. Then a bit more. Then heart palpitations. That bit wasn’t actually a joke, I was genuinely frightened. Yay! 3/5.
Coronation Chicken
You have options here. You can eat this blend of chicken, mayonnaise, curry powder and fruit as a salad or on a sandwich. I had a Coronation Chicken sandwich. It was the most disgustingly British thing I have ever eaten in my entire life. It tastes like the height of 1950s genteel exoticism – cloyingly sweet with a daring dash of – gasp – curry powder! My grandmother probably liked it, but she was known to put butter on rice and could never quite manage to pronounce ‘pizza’. 1/5.
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