Amy Tries Again

AMY’S UNBLIVEIBELL HONEY SCRUMCHES BAR – or – The Author’s Early Works, Part One
March 30, 2015, 8:55 AM
Filed under: Miscellanea | Tags: , , ,

You know what’s good?  Rummaging through old stuff.  I particularly enjoy rummaging through old stuff about me, because hey, I know her!  I happened upon a bag of said old stuff today and unearthed some extremely important pieces from my formative years – namely, a muddle of drawings and stories I did in the early years of primary school.  It seems I schemed a lot.  I had big plans, and did not hesitate to commit my thoughts to paper.

One such scheme involved the creation of the most delicious recipe in the universe.  It had a secret ingredient that was sure to be a hit: melted rainbows.  It’s a few years late, but I think it’s time the world knew exactly how to make AMY’S HON(E)Y SCRUMCHES/SCRAMCIS BAR (I stand by my use of the word ‘scrumptious’ in theory, if not in execution).  They’re unbliveibell!


2 teespons caraml

4 cups hoeny

1 blok chocolet

1 tea spons shoger

7 mellted rambows

Mix the ingridients in together and stir tres the mixter for seven howers you will end up with the cohlet bar

It’s just that easy!  Of course, people could make Honey Scramcis Bars in their own homes.  But that wasn’t my end game.   I would lure the people in with a delicious recipe, but I was pretty sure they’d realise pretty quickly just how gosh-darn difficult it was to make.  Seven hours of stirring?  Seven melted rainbows?  (I liked the number seven.)  Where do you even get rainbows?  And how do you melt them?

Something like this?

Something like this?

No, the general public would never be able to manage it.  Maddened by the thought of such deliciousness, they’d grow desperate to purchase pre-made Hony Scrumches Bars, and a cunning young entrepreneur would have a hit on her hands.  To this end, I workshopped alternative names (alas, the Carhon Amy L Bar didn’t have the same ring, and I’m still not sure what I was getting at).  I made product notes (Idears) detailing my groundbreaking sweet treat’s point of difference – Never before has there benan A choclet with melted ramao!

Of course, I could do all the marketing research I liked – it simply wasn’t going to sell if the packaging didn’t catch the consumer’s eye.  I rolled up my sleeves and got to work.

I did it, guys! I spelt scrumptious correctly!

It was a triumph of design.  From its inexplicably pink-haired mascot (look, guys, it’s Amy from Amy’s Honey Scrumches Bars!  She’s famous!) to cloud imagery and choice of colours used in the word ‘bar’ subtly referencing the melted rainbows, the packaging was utterly flawless.  However, its crowning glory was the catchy slogan:


Passive aggression.  It was missing in snack-related advertising then, and it’s missing in snack-related advertising now.  Perhaps the world simply wasn’t ready.  Perhaps I should have mentioned the key ingredient in the name of the bar.  Perhaps I never should have published my secret recipe in the first place, but hey, at least it means I still have it now.  And mark my words, my confectionery empire will rise yet…just as soon as I get my hands on some rainbows to melt.


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